A TWILIGHT Conversation with My Nine-Year-Old Boy

Boy, doing homework at kitchen table. Me, sitting on the couch, writing on laptop. TV is on in the background.

Boy: What’s that on TV?

Me: (looks up) Twilight.

Boy: Which episode?

Me: (grins at Star Wars reference) The first one.

Boy: Why is he making that face?

Me: Because he wants to eat her.

Boy: Does he eat her?

Me: No.

Boy: What does he eat?

Me: Animals.

Boy: Is he a vampire?

Me: Yes.

Boy: Does she know he’s a vampire?

Me: Not yet.

Boy: How does she find out?

Me: She asks him.

Boy: What does he answer when she asks if he’s a vampire?
Me: (giggles) Say it. Out loud. 
(Boy finishes homework, comes to sit on couch.)
Boy: Who’s that guy?
Me: His name is Mike. 
Boy: Why does Edward look like he wants to kill him?
Me: Because he’s jealous. 
Boy: Does Edward kill him?
Me: No. 
Boy: Why not?
Me: Because Edward eats animals. Also, he’s a pacifist.
Boy: What’s a - 
Me: Never mind.

Boy: What’s Jacob?

Me: He’s a werewolf.

Boy: Does Bella like him?

Me: Yes.

Boy: More than Edward?

Me: No.

Boy: Who does she pick?

Me: Edward. They get married.

Boy: Is Jacob sad?

Me: Yes.

Boy: Does he fall in love with someone else?

Me: Errrr ….. yes?

Boy: Who?

Me: A girl?

Boy: A werewolf?

Me: Errrr …… no?

Boy: What kind of girl?

Me: Just ……… a girl.

Boy: Man, those guys have long hair. Are those other werewolves?

Me: Yes.

Boy: Do Edward and Jacob ever fight over Bella?

Me: What kind of fight?

Boy: Like, a werewolf/vampire fight-fight?

Me: No.

Boy: It would be better if they did.

Me: You aren’t alone in that opinion.

Boy: What’s happening here?

Me: The bad vampires are coming.

Boy: Is Edward a good vampire?

Me: Yes.

Boy: Do the bad vampires eat the science teacher?

Me: ………………. no.

Boy: Wow. Edward is a good driver.

(Bella takes Edward to the forest to confront him.)

Boy: Are you sure he isn’t going to eat her?

Me: I’m sure.

Boy: Wow, he runs fast.

(Edward prepares to show Bella what he looks like in the sunlight.)

Boy: Is this gonna be scary?

Me: It depends on your point of view.

Boy: Did they put GLITTER on him?

Me: I don’t think so.

Boy: It looks like they did. But it’s cool. Kinda.

(Boy loses interest during heroin/skin of killer/etc.)

Boy: What are they doing?

Me: Laying in the forest.

Boy: Isn’t that cold?

Me: Edward has skin like ice.

Boy: And glitter.

Me: Yeah.

Boy: Did the doctor bite him?

Me: He turned him into a vampire.

Boy: So, what? The doctor turns all the people that are dying into vampires, but not the ones that are faking?

Me: Not all of the people who are dying.

Boy: So just ones that will be good vampires?

Me: Kind of.

Boy: Does Jacob’s dad freak out when he finds out he’s a werewolf?

Me: No, he expects it to happen.

Boy: Would you want me to be a werewolf or a vampire?

Me: Not particularly.

Boy: Why?

Me: Because they aren’t real.

Boy: But if they were?

Me: What would you want to be?

Boy: What do werewolves eat?

Me: Regular food.

Boy: Do they just run around until they get tired? And then turn back into people?

Me: Yes.

Boy: That sounds good. But, Edward is the same age all the time?

Me: Yes.

Boy: What will he do when Bella gets old?

Me: He changes her before she gets old.

Boy: How?

Me: ……………….. er …………….. it’s hard to explain.

Me: (Fast-forwards through underwear and kissing while child is looking at DSI.) By the way. Don’t ever go into a girl’s bedroom by climbing through her window. Because that’s creepy. And wrong.

Boy: (wide-eyed stare) Why, because she could be changing or something?

Me: Just … if you ever visit a girl, go through her front door. And make sure her parents answer it.

Boy: (more staring) Okay.

Me: (sweats) Okay.

Boy: WOW! OHH! COOL! Best baseball game EVER! Alice can pitch! Are these the bad vampires? Ooooh! One is named Victoria! And she has red hair! Like our Victoria!

(Boy is not interested in YOU ARE MY LIFE NOW, etc.)

(Boy is very interested in crashing mirrors, ripped up floors and blood, etc.)

(Side Note: Catherine Hardwicke can work a montage.)

Boy: Um … are they gonna go away from each other?

Me: Not in this movie.

Boy: Why is she, like, spitting?

Me: Because she’s …….. worried.

Boy: I like the dad. And why doesn’t she just wear another boot to the dance? Instead of that shoe?


Me: These vampires don’t have teeth.

Boy: Yes, they do. I can see them!

Me: Fangs. They don’t have fangs.

Well, what did you think?

Boy: Good. (Shrugs, goes back to playing DSI. Looks up.) Oh, hey. When can we watch NEW MOON?

Me: Anytime you want, buddy. Anytime at all.


  1. LOL. What a cool kid :-)

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